"Songfest" - A lesson in show and tell
Written by Justin Wong
Reviewed by Tee Shern Ren
*Editor's notes:
1. This story is too long for one, but we're publishing all of it here as a courtesy issue
2. The comments and criticisms given here are purely based on the expertise of the individual who reviewed and should be taken as advice than purposeful insults
3. If you have a comment about the following, please feel free to leave one or write to us at phasesonline@gmail.com
Often the difference between a so-so story and a fantastic story lies simply in the strength and integrity of the characterization. Plot itself often may not count for much. After all, every other romance story is simply "A boy met a girl" - the true interest and beauty of the story is in who the boy is and who the girl is. This is true across genres, across forms, even across languages. Therefore, the writer often functions like the host of a party, introducing the readers to his characters. "Hi, Reader, this is my main character Mr. Stanley. He is a balding 58-year-old garbage sweeper who saved the world one day! It happened like this ... " Characterization is simply the ability of getting your readers to know your characters well. And in the first part of our look at today's submitted entry, "Songfest" by Justin Wong, we will look at the difference between good and bad characterization by looking for both.
The synopsis of the story: a small-town boy unexpectedly makes good in a large song-writing/performing competition, and nearly wins it - though not quite. Sounds plain? Most plots do when stated this baldly - it is good characterization that holds many stories together. So let's look into the characterization which holds "Songfest" together.
The main character of "Songfest" is Dominic, a small-town boy. In the second paragraph we are both told and shown something of the boy:
But he had no reason to believe that he could even qualify; inferiority always had the best of him.
Most writers perform characterization in one of two ways: by showing ("he had no reason to believe that he could even qualify"), and by telling ("inferiority always had the best of him"). Basically the latter involves telling the readers something about the character, while the former involves showing the character doing or saying something while leaving the reader to draw his/her own conclusions. The key to successful characterization is discreet yet effective showing. Too much telling is simply boring. Imagine if Justin had started his story this way:
Once upon a time there was a boy named Dominic. He was a guitar player. He had an inferiority complex. He had a crush on a girl named Elaine. ...
It would essentially be the same as what he has written here; and yet it would be infinitely more boring. Good storytelling, instead, involves much showing and then a little telling to confirm what has been shown. And Justin indeed does a lot of showing to confirm that Dominic has an immense insecurity complex:
He could not even remember the last time he did something and was sure with it.
Dominic meekly told him his name upon being asked;
Someday, he would have to teach himself how to be calm and collected in similar situations, instead of stuttering away.
There is also some good showing for Dominic's first reaction to the city:
Upon stepping from the shuttle bus, an instant uneasy feeling seeped into his skin. The air was different than that of his hometown; he had been living in sunshine for too long. With his precious guitar slung behind his back, and his mentor's pick safe in wallet, he strode to his destiny.
The imagery of him holding on to "his precious guitar" and "his mentor's pick" standing against the big city poses an effective conflict that helps to drive the story somewhat.
In Dominic, then, we have an example of characterization that works. We have a believable (if slightly whiny) protagonist who goes to the big city and back remaining a small-town kid all the way. If anything, my only grouse is that he seems a bit too consistent - very static for someone who's had that kind of experience. On the other hand, characterization gone wrong can ruin a story, and unfortunately we can find that right here in "Songfest" too, in the character of Bradley.
The very name "Bradley" seems sharp, chiding, frictional. No wonder, then, that when we first meet Bradley we find him glancing "with a smirk". Yet in the conversation that follows, we find Dominic gelling with Bradley and even identifying with him! Does that make sense? Even in writing, first impressions count. And when your first mention for a character has him "glancing with a smirk", you had better invent some believable reason for your protagonist to grow to identify with, like, and even confide in him. However, that is totally missing from "Songfest". Everywhere we go we either see Bradley the smirker or Bradley Dominic's sudden best friend, with nothing to tie the two together. Right at the end when we see Bradley being congratulated and finally forgetting all about Dominic we wonder: Who is this Bradley? Some kind of Jekyll and Hyde? Granted, conflicted characters do make for interesting psychological exploration, but not this fragmented and not in so minor a role in so short a work.
Well, that's characterization. However that aside there is much more work to be done on some basics for "Songfest", including inexcusable verb form and tense errors probably due to inconsistent experimentation with stream-of-consciousness writing. These will be corrected without comment.
Justin's article:
It was the end of the day's lessons; the extra-curricular activities were about to begin. The corridor was half-filled with college students; each had their own business to attend to. Among them was a boy standing still staring at a poster on a wall which nobody else cared about. The wild colourful illustrations on the poster surrounded a word printed large: 'Songfest'. Dominic had the most curious look on his face as he scanned the details of Songfest for the fourth time.
He walked off filled with wonder. An opportunity like this did not come by very often, and for Dominic, it could be something that would change his life. But he had no reason to believe that he could even qualify; inferiority always had the best of him. The audition was two weeks away.
The double doors opened to reveal the green grass, the blue sky, and the whispering trees, a picture-perfect sight. Canaries chirped their way into spring while the blooming lilies greeted the sun. Des Glaines was a simple town, devoid of skyscrapers and congestion; most of its inhabitants walked or cycled. The shop lots were just a couple of blocks away from Lumina College. Yet the journey had never seemed shorter, for Dominic walked pre-occupied.
Stopping by the music store, Dominic greeted the old shopkeeper, who was polishing a violin.
"Afternoon, Mr. Wayne."
"Dominic! Welcome, welcome. What can I do for you?" said Wayne, putting down the violin.
"Songfest," said Dominic. "An audition will be held right here in Des Glaines."
"I know, I heard. Looks like I don't have to tell you to try out," Wayne spoke slowly.
"But I don't know if I could."
"And why not?"
"I… I don't know."
"Well," Wayne got up and reached for a drawer. "I remember the first time you came into this store, wanting to learn to play the guitar." Dominic listened like a curious little child. "You were all nervous... but your father was supportive. I was willing to teach, and you were willing to learn. A slow start, but look at you now. You have learned well. I understand that you have been writing?"
"Yeah, I have. But I don't know if they're any good."
"Oh, nonsense. If you write, you're eligible, aren't you?"
"Well, yeah. I... I'm just not..."
"What's the grand prize?
"It's, uh ... a scholarship, at Berkeley's School of Music."
"My, my. That's more extravagant than last year. You want it don't you?"
"I guess. ..."
"Then remember this: if you want something, you have to take the first step."
Dominic looked up at his old teacher. Those very words set him reminiscing his days learning music under his wing. In his mind, he scanned the memories he had right there at that music store. Wayne handed him a pick with his wrinkly but steady hands.
"Take this. I hope you will see in it everything you have learned from me."
Dominic had been trying to picture himself onstage, standing in front of a crowd that was waiting to be impressed. Even if he had it, was confidence the only thing he needed? Just confidence in himself and confidence in his own work to get by? He could not even remember the last time he did something and was sure with it. Sunrise after sunrise, he weighed the consequences.
A yellow Sunday came by. Dominic went to meet Vince at the park which was always green and joyful. Dogs of various breeds could be seen being walked by their masters of all shapes and sizes. Little children ran about happy as could be. The community owed its warmth and fellowship to this place; people of all ages were regulars.
"Songfest, eh? I'd say go for it." said Vince, who had always been his best friend, easy-going and moderate.
"I knew you'd say that. ..."
"What? Don't you wanna try out?"
"I don't know, Vince. Stage performances have always been beyond me."
"That's crazy talk. You're the music kind of guy, the whole gang knows that."
The gang: a bunch of long-time buddies his age who had a tradition of gathering under a gazebo by the lake at the park. Somehow, Dominic foresaw all of them giving him every reason to take a shot at Songfest. No point in asking them, then.
Just that moment, Elaine passed them by. She was one of them; those who faithfully showed up at the very same gazebo every time. Dominic stood helplessly, gazing at her movements. She was an embodiment of charm.
"Hey guys, see you at the usual place," she said as they acknowledged her. Vince watched as Dominic trailed her steps with his eyes. He let out a sigh.
"For the last time, man, ask her out." Vince nudged him.
"I've said it before, I just can't do it."
"I can't stand seeing you moonstruck anymore! You've been putting this off for weeks now. This iron isn't going to be hot any longer. ..."
"Give me some time, just… time."
The truth is that Dominic had never planned or intended to approach her for that matter. Though he formulated the exact words of confessions, there just were too many things in his way. Most of them were in his head. Such was the dilemma a timid boy had to face.
The boys found themselves in the company of five other youngsters, among them Elaine. They would talk about anything under the sun, from Middle Eastern politics to chaos theory. But not all of them would appreciate every kind of intellectual conversation. Dominic found much comfort with this routine: sitting by the lake with the people he cared about most.
Almost a month later, Dominic found himself packing. It was like sleeping and gradually easing in to a dream. He had received a phone call from the people of Songfest just the night before, a phone call that changed it all. The next round was to be held at Whistern City, a bustling metropolis, over the weekend.
A small crowd gathered to see Dominic off. His gazebo friends were dying to go with him, to see him onstage under the spotlight. Due to complications with lodging and assignments, they could not. His parents, supportive as they were, had much office work to worry about; they could not come along either. Alone, he would pursue an ambition he never thought he had.
Beyond the window, buildings became taller and the streets more crowded. As the bus entered Whistern City, the meaning of color changed in Dominic's eyes. The hues were somehow darker, flashier, and most of all artificial. Branded stores, offices named after wealthy entrepreneurs, clusters of road signs; all were somewhat new to him. This alien human habitat was where his dreams would come true.
Upon stepping from the shuttle bus, an instant uneasy feeling seeped into his skin. The air was different than that of his hometown; he had been living in sunshine for too long. With his precious guitar slung behind his back, and his mentor's pick safe in wallet, he strode to his destiny. After much referral to the wrinkly piece of paper on which he noted an address and directions, he found the place. His feelings of great anticipation were then dotted with a pinch of dismay.
The sign reading "Lenny's" was placed above a spiral staircase leading downward. Along the way, posters of Songfest were pasted on the wall, some he recognized and some he did not. Dominic also noticed that the narrow staircase was nicely wide enough for the guitar on his back, or any guitar for that matter. It was almost as if the place was built that way for that very reason. As he descended, he wondered why he did not smell cigarette smoke.
As his foot stepped onto the black floor, the first thing he saw was the stage at the end of the room. Imagining all the music that flowed through it during its lifetime, he thought it looked beautiful. Dominic found his way to Mr. Johnson, who was in charge of the Songfest project. His eyes looked like they could automatically search for potential on a stranger's face. Dominic meekly told him his name upon being asked; Mr. Johnson held a name list of all round one participants.
His name checked, the time set, Dominic was to come back for the briefing held the following day. Clutching the keys to his sponsored room for next few nights, he speculated. Already he thought about his friends back at Des Glaines, already his mind wandered to the contestants who awaited him. He hoped that the people he would meet would be nice to him.
A crowd of forty stood by the stage, most of them getting acquainted with each other. The briefing was about to start, said Mr. Johnson, though it was already twenty minutes past the specified time. One of the young lads, who happened to be nearby, glanced at Dominic with a smirk. He stretched out his hand.
"Bradley. Pleased to meet ya,"
"Oh, uh... Dominic. Pleasure is mine." he replied, trying to be as smooth as he possibly could, returning the handshake.
"Where are you from?"
"From the outskirts, Des Glaines. A small town, you'd probably never heard of it."
"Well, I can tell you're not a city boy. I'm from Amesville, another city like this, only homier."
Dominic was glad he was not the only one having slight discomfort about that place. They talked a little more before Mr. Johnson arrived to officially welcome all the contestants and initiate the briefing. He succinctly explained the entire elimination process to determine the overall winner. From the first round, twenty were to be chosen by a panel of judges to proceed to the semifinals. After that, ten finalists were to take part in a grand finale event, from which the winner would emerge.
Later that day, each of them took turns performing for two minutes to get a hang of the stage. Before his turn came, Dominic sat in awe as he witnessed the musical prowess possessed by each of the contestants. Bradley had to snap the dazed Dominic out of it every now and then. These singer-songwriters came with various ways of self-presentation, he had noticed. Some of them were female, young or middle-aged, and others were of a different nature from each other. There was one with a distinct Hulk Hogan moustache dressed as a cowboy.
Dominic had held the subconscious notion that each and every one of the singer-songwriters he met would play the guitar. Watching a few perform wonderfully on the grand piano ready on the stage proved him wrong. How was he to compete with such talented people? The more he saw them perform, the more his heart sank.
As soon as he stepped on stage, the others watched in anticipation that Dominic would be as good as the last. The pressure almost mortified him, seeing that expectant look on their faces. He told himself: this is just the pre-show rehearsal, this is just the pre-show rehearsal. Positioning himself by the microphone stand, he absorbed every ounce of confidence from Wayne's pick. He then closed his eyes and relented.
Almost a fortnight had passed before Dominic saw his own his face on the newspapers for the first time. It did not have to be on the front page, the third page in the Entertainment section was good enough for him. Upon reading it, he was still trying to swallow the fact that twenty contestants had been eliminated, and that he was not one of them. Bradley, who was also in the semifinals, smirked at him as Dominic gazed at the article.
"What's the matter? Never been in the spotlight?"
Dominic merely looked at him in reply.
"I don't blame you. Everyone has a first time. You'll get used to it."
What Dominic was really thinking about was his friends and family back home. That particular newspaper, or any such news for that matter, was not likely to reach the folks at Des Glaines. How he wanted the show them the significance of it all. How he wanted Wayne to be proud of him. How he wanted Elaine to see him shine. All he could do was call his parents to inform Lumina College of his continuing absence, and Vince to spread the word to his gazebo friends.Folding the newspaper, Dominic sipped the last of his coffee and followed Bradley out of the coffeehouse.
They had about a week to spare before the semifinals commenced; they toured the city, sometimes with some of the other semifinalists. Spending time with them, Dominic found that they were warm with each other, even to him. Before long, they knew each other's backgrounds and musical style. Among all of them, Bradley seemed to confide in Dominic more, which made him do the same in return.
Performing in front of a hundred-odd crowd and impressing the first panel of judges was inspiring enough, but getting to know those talented artists was another experience he cherished. The last few days before the semifinals event, however hectic, formed a bond between them that Dominic never knew could exist in such a manner. Because of this, he enjoyed the rehearsals; the music, the laughs, the pizzas, the tales, he would never forget.
In the meantime, he occasionally got looks and stares from strangers, mostly teenagers, due to his face which was clearly printed on promotional posters. This amount of attention needed some getting used to, considering his humble origins. Once, he was even approached by a girl on the street saying "You look familiar". Someday, he would have to teach himself how to be calm and collected in similar situations, instead of stuttering away, he vowed.
The Songfest semifinals was held in an open-air parking lot, entirely reserved for the day. Since the admission was free, the event drew a massive crowd - standing room only. Two large speakers stood at either side of the stage, which was a two-foot high platform. Mr. Johnson did a rather commendable job putting the entire act together.
Looking from behind the sound equipment, Dominic's hands grew sweaty. He thought to himself, 'what doe a boy from a small town has to show in this big city?' Getting past the auditions and past the first round was something he felt he did not deserve. His mind told him that the judges only happened to have liked him; that he was insignificant in the midst of real talent.
As his heart beats, he isolated himself behind the furthest wall. The stage crew ignored him as he struggled to calm down. The good luck wishes he received through the phone call the night before replayed in his head. The words of wisdom by his teacher, Mr. Wayne replayed in his head. The arrangements and sequencing of his original songs replayed in his head. By then, the first semifinalist had already started.
The smirking Bradley leaned by set, listening as a brunette philosophy student played her second song. It seemed like nothing in the world could worry him. He noticed downcast Dominic coming by to pick up his guitar.
"Hey, you alright?"
"Yeah, I just … have to practice."
"Dude, don't worry about it. It'll be fine."
"Well, thing is I don't even know how I got this far in the first place. I can't keep up with you guys. …"
"Look, no matter how bad you think you are, someone out there is bound to like your music. That's what I always tell myself."
Dominic paused, and started to breathe slower. Nodding at Bradley, he went off looking for a quiet place to practice one last time. Among the songs that he had written, he picked three: one about a perfect family, one about the hardships of a fisherman, and one inspired from the love for Elaine. His songs were more on the soft side, gentle compared to the others that he had heard.
As much as he wanted to, he did not properly listen to the other contestants' music. He would rather focus on his polishing own performance first. Before he knew it, he was called to the stage, followed by a cheer of support from the youthful audience. The host beckoned him to avail himself; the world started to slow down.
There on the platform he stood, alone with guitar in hand. The centre spotlight glared at him in the darkness, all he could see was the flashing cameras and the video camera. He placed his left hand on the one place he was always sure of, and his right where his hopes and dreams had flowed. To help reduce his nervousness, he immersed himself into the music by shutting his eyes, as usual. There was no turning back.
The bus ride home was rather silent, considering the amount of noise made when the ten finalists were announced the night before. His thoughts during the journey held nothing else but re-enactments of those moments. How he heard his own name in his mind but not through his ears, how the crowd cheered but not for him, and how the spotlight had left him, he reinforced in his memory.
Des Glaines extended its warm welcome to him, regardless of whatever had happened. Upon return, Dominic would do nothing but to catch up on missed college work; no time for sighs and no time for regrets. His family was proud enough of the giant leap he took, and his lecturers treated him no differently.
His gazebo friends could only offer unnecessary consoling, they were not there to fathom the extent of Dominic's step forward. Within two days, everything was back to normal, despite the fact that he had been so close to becoming one of the state's most talked about brand new celebrities. Passers-by had not the slightest idea.
After all he had been through, nothing made him more content than to just sit under the gazebo talking about things. It did not matter to them what could have been for Dominic; they accepted him just the way he was. He realized that it was these people whom he should treasure for their friendship. Looking back to that fateful night, Bradley had been too busy being full of himself to even hear the words of congratulations from him.
One day, Elaine was feeding the swans at the golden lake. Dominic, who cycled by, stopped to greet her.
"Hey," he said.
"Hi," she replied. Dominic dismounted and sat next to her on a wooden bench. "Aren't they magnificent creatures?"
"Yeah, they are."
"You know, whenever I'm stressed out, I'd come here to see them swim."
How could he not know? He had been observing her for some time now.
"Hmm, so I've heard that the tickets for the couples-only prom night have been sold out?" she asked.
"That's right."
"Oh, so it's true then." she sighed as she peeled the bread for the swans, her eyes ever so lovely. She looked as though the swans were whispering words of comfort to her. Leaning back, Dominic watched her closely while pulling out two tickets from his pocket. He took a deep breath.
posted by Phases Online at 6:09 AM
|
2 comments
